Dear reader, we’ve scouted your bracket pool. We know everybody who’s in it. Because there’s at least one of these stereotypes in EVERY single bracket pool imaginable.
#1 The Bracket Status Update Personย
Your bracket is exactly like your fantasy football team or your vacation pictures- You care A LOT, but no else does.
Nor should they. Every time you tell me how your bracket is doing, I’m pretty much Homer Simpson listening to Ned Flanders explain the difference between apple cider and apple juice. My body is still there, but my brain has vacated.
vs #8 The Bracket Status Update Tweeterย
Our top overall seed is matched against its social media identical twin. If you Tweet about your bracket, you should lose followers, and deservedly so. The sports writer equivalent of this individual are the college basketball writers who publishย weekly columns on how they voted in the Associated Press Poll.
Whether it’s the writer’s fault, or the editor’s fault assigning that pablum, take note. NOBODY CARES! My hometown newspaper badly needs to wake up and realize this.
#4 Alum Who Suddenly Becomes Superfan
Many people only care about the athletic programs at their alma mater twice a year- now and bowl season. That’s fine, if you want, and actually probably more healthy and productive, but don’t pretend like you’re actually all in year round.
Just be true to who you are, because your “creative” way of pronouncing the players’ names and “riveting” anecdotes about game moments that never actually happened gives you away.
vs #5 “Repeats the Most Obvious Cliche Talking Point” Guy
The #4 seed is matched up against another March Madness tourist. This year’s entry level analysis acumen is something along the lines of “there’s no clear cut favorite team, and so much parity.”
He’s right, but he’s also wrong, as he’s just expounding a tautology that adds nothing to the conversation.
#2 Person Who Won the pool by picking based on color/mascots/etc.
People like me who went to a traditional basketball school (Illinois) and completed their graduate school at an even bigger and better basketball school (Michigan State) live and breathe college hoops. Unfortunately, we always lose to who pick according to their favorite shade of red, mascot ferocity, or something along those lines.
According to Elias Stats Bureau, teams that won the most championships wore blue (23), red (6), green (1) and orange (1).Teams that lost the most championships wore blue (20), red (6), orange (3), yellow (1) and green (1).ย
vs #7 Writers Doing Their Stories in Bracket Form This Time of Year
It wouldn’t be fair to harshly judge others without of course holding myself to the same standard!
Across all genres of media, in all sections of all home pages, you’ll find a link to an op-ed column in bracket form.
#3 Boastful Day Drinker
You’ve seen the stats- Thursday, and to a lesser extent Friday, are the days that America “calls in sick” to work. Every year, our nation misses our on billions of dollars in lost productivity. Considering how hard we work the rest of the year, we’ll deal.
vs #6 Front-Runner Frat Boy Fan
Perfect fraternity row style match-up here as our #6 seed roots for the same teams that ESPN, CBS, Turner and the NCAA do. College basketball is a very obvious plutocracy instead.
You have a select group of blue bloods, who coincidentally, and amazingly almost all wear blue, dominating the sport.
Like Northwestern Guard Tre Demps told me this week once his team was eliminated from the postseason in 2016: “They want the rich to get richer and the poor to get poorer, thatโs just reality.”
It’s why you have so many fans of the haves (Kansas, Kentucky, North Carolina, Indiana and Michigan State) and far fewer fans of the have nots.
Paul M. Banks is the Founding Editor ofย The Sports Bank.ย Heโs also theย author of โTransatlantic Passage: How the English Premier League Redefined Soccer in America,โ andย โNo, I Canโt Get You Free Tickets: Lessons Learned From a Life in the Sports Media Industry.โ
He currently contributes toย Ravens Wire, part of the USA Today SMGโs NFL Wire Network. His past bylines include the New York Daily News, Sports Illustrated,ย Chicago Tribune and the Washington Times.ย You can follow himย onย Twitter.
