By: Melissa S. Wollering
As the Midwest’s premiere sports website, we are breaking down everything Olympics—from uber good to muy mal. Welcome to the Week 1 Rewind, Week 2 Fast Forward from Vancouver!
No Medal Here: Bob Costas Makes Reference to Alex Bilodeau Getting Laid
He didn’t say those words. Nope, he didn’t need to. Really…really? Canadian skier wins first Gold in the games for Maple Leaf Land; Bob Costas cracks sexual joke. Dirty old man…
I would also rather watch the Flying Tomato hold his own microphone and put an IFB in his ear than have Cris Collinsworth reporting from Vancouver. He’s terrible. TERRIBLE. Someone send me for crying out loud. Send Snooki to interview the athletes…something, anything!
No Medal Here: Richmond Olympic Oval’s Zamboni
All you have to do is smooth ice. You’re a machine that smooths ice and you’re smoothing OLYMPIC ice. Our country’s dudes and chicks with huge thighs have been waiting four years to come and skate on your bumpy oval and the machine assigned to the task isn’t up for it.
Coaches were furious. Skaters were forced to wait around; like their nerves aren’t shot to heck already. The general manager of the Oval himself, Magnus Enfledt, drove the godforsaken machine out to try and fix the problem himself to no avail.
Next time you plan four years in advance of Olympic Speedskating at your venue, have an oval with surface quality greater than that of pock-marked Mickey Rourke’s skin. Also: reschedule the race for the following day like you would an alpine event in severe fog. Don’t make athletes wait for 6 hours.
Me & Zamboni = Fighting.
No Medal Here: Opening Ceremonies Large Polar Bear
Ah! Where did that COME from? Am I watching an episode from Season 2 of Lost or am I watching the Olympics? Oh, wrong network. Good…
No Medal Here: Lindsey Jacobellis’ Red Lipstick
Unless you’re Courtney Love, don’t do it. I get that you want to bleach your hair, I get you want to be the laid-back, free-spirited, high-adrenaline alpine chick in order to maintain your stereotypical Colorado image. But lose the fire lips. Unless you can win gold without taking a spill for showboating this time around…then I guess I’ll shush up.
Medal Here (We hope): Team USA Women’s Hockey
With 12 of our own women from the Midwest carrying that team, buh-bye China. Hello Team Canada in the finals. Stars hang higher than maple leaves in MY sky. What? What?
Medal Here: Seth Wescott & Team USA Snowboard Cross
He did it Torino in 2006 and he did it again Monday. Gold for Seth in a sport that sidelined him with such a bad injury this past year,that he could barely walk. After he won, he draped himself in his grandfather’s World War II service flag. It doesn’t get much better than that.
Medal Here: Ohno & Celski
Apolo and J.R. have had career ups and downs but both medaled in the 1500m Sunday. Keep it up, kids.
Medal Here: USA Freestyle Skiing, Women’s Moguls
Hannah Kearney took Gold and Shannon Bahrke took Bronze in this sport on a night when the fog resembled pea soup, chicks were flying off the handle because needed to clock a fast time to medal AND Canada had not yet won Gold. Nicely done, ladies.
Medal Here: Johnny Spillane & Nordic Combined
This was the sport the U.S. has never medaled in. Spillane didn’t take a spill, living above and beyond his name and he made Olympic history for the U.S. Yup, Johnny’s cool.
Medal Here: Bode Miller & Bryon Wilson
Bryon Wilson Said…two medals are better than one. Miller’s Bronze for Men’s Downhill and Wilson’s Bronze for Freestyle, Men’s Moguls might induce tears of joy but not Tears For Fears.
Tomorrow, check back for the Week 2 Fast Forward: Helping You Decide What to Watch in the Days Ahead.
Also, be sure to check out Teamusa.org. Anyone who registers on Teamusa.org will have access to the latest info and will receive exclusive updates throughout the games.